Hello Beautiful!

Welcome to today's conversation, where we’re going to talk about: The Journey Back to You: Finding Yourself Again.

Let’s Talk about it. 

I am your host, Shannon Martin, and Welcome to today’s episode of “This Thing Called Wellness.”

Thank you for joining me today, I hope the last two weeks have been good to you. I was talking to a friend and we were talking about where we are in life right now. We are both in our early to mid fifties and we are in this weird space. We both have been stay at home mothers, we both have been and are caregivers for our elderly parents and have been giving to everyone and somehow we both said we didn’t recognize ourselves anymore? Have you ever been there? We both were laughing like we used to be cute, LOL, we need to bring her back, or a new her at today's age. What is going on here? But that got me thinking, like how does this happen? How did I lose myself in the life of raising  children, being a wife and being a caregiver. This made me think, and I thought about this a lot over the Summer and really rested and began to ask myself who am I?

“To find yourself, you must first lose yourself” ~Anonymous

When you are on the mommy trail as I am going to call it, you are moving and grooving every day. I mean I have three children and I was moved every day, every hour, every second, you name it I was moving. Dropping off at School, extra curricular activities, volunteering at fundraisers, being the cheer mom, band parent, PTA, and every other event that my children were a part of and being a police officer's wife just made it a little more interesting. You are on a constant roll and not to mention laundry! I couldn’t wait until they could do things for themselves, but that still doesn’t ease the worry and praying that they have listened to you and you have done your job as a parent right. 

I asked myself why I stayed home, why didn’t I continue to work? Why didn’t I continue with my dreams and it stemmed from my mother not being able to do so, she had to work. We were raised in a single parent household and there was very little time that my mother could take off and could really be a part of anything my brother and I participated in, because we couldn’t afford it and she really didn’t have the time. So when it came time for me to make the choice to stay home, I kind of didn’t have a choice because we moved often in the military and we really didn’t know what the economy would look like in the places where we would be stationed. Most times it was beneficial for me to stay home and sometimes I could find a decent paying job that paid more than daycare cost. But we got to a point where I had to choose to stay home. 

As time went on I thought about my dreams again, but I became ill and later on my mother was diagnosed with Cancer. I had to set my dreams aside again. To make sure she was taken care of and then I had to help her transition. 

Before I could even think about previous interests or desires, I slid into grief, into depression and anxiety. My husband said  just sit still for a while. Maybe this is your time to rest. And yet again I put everything on pause. 

When you have to stop and start repeatedly it does something to your psyche. Not only was my depression getting to me, but my  self-esteem was at an all time low. I didn’t recognize myself anymore and the gap to who I was was getting wider and wider.

“Life isn’t about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself ”~George Bernard Shaw

What gave me a pick me up was that I still had a spark, a spark that wouldn’t go out. I was still dreaming even though they were muddy at times, I had to reimagine the dream I had for myself. My circle came through for me yet again. I knew it was God's grace working. My youngest really is my hero, my little broke friend is beyond his years. He must’ve seen my anguish when he asked me mom what do you want to do? You know this is my last year in college and I am going to do something, and I’m probably going to another state or something like that, my siblings are grown. What do you want to do? What did you dream of when you were my age and he just kept asking questions that I forgot about? And that woke me up! And we kept talking and he was actually actively listening! He was telling me mom it's time to do something for you. And I sat there and was like how do I do that? How do I go about reviving and creating this new life for me? I was really stumped. That’s when I knew I had lost my identity. That I had neglected my self-care, my interests, my passions, I had totally disconnected from my sense of self. And it is time to get HER back at the ripe old age of 50 ish. LOL.

My mental health set me back, my being a fantastic mother if I do say so myself put me on hold, being the best caregiver I could be to my mother put me on hold. But I did it with such love and care, but now I have to pour into myself and create the life I want at this stage and create the woman I see in my dreams and the vision that God has shown me that she can be. I just had to think about how to do this. Of course, when you are in your 20’s the world is your oyster and you think you are invincible. You are beginning the life you dreamed of, the life you want with the person you love and want to build this life with and all of that, but how do you do that when you have given your best self to others and left not too much for yourself for your second half? I have to take it one day at a time, one creation at a time, one self priority at a time! Now is the time to reconnect with myself in this season of growth and understanding to learn and love the woman I am becoming. 

“Before you find out who you are, you have to figure out who you aren’t.” ~ Iyanla Vanzant 

I remember when we were stationed in Germany and one of my coworkers had bought a two seater car, right, and I asked her why did you buy that car girl ? You are married and have a son, where are you going to put your son or your husband right. She said it's not for them, it's for me. I have worked hard, we are debt free and I wanted something just for me. And at the time I thought that was so selfish of her to do that, but now I look back at that and I say Good For Her! She gave herself a gift for her sacrifice and hard work and was ahead of the self care game, she understood her assignment. And I know it's a materialistic thing, but it was what SHE wanted for HER hard work and she smiled every time she drove by and tooted her horn. She was happy with her purchase and I think she bought it with cash! That was even better. 

Maybe prioritizing myself won’t be this extravagant, just yet! LOL, but I am finally realizing that scheduling the fluffy stuff like getting my hair done, getting a massage or finding a face regime that I like is important. When you look good you feel good.  

Making small changes in my daily life like eating better and planning my meals and actually cooking more. Staying hydrated by keeping up with my daily water intake. And trying to keep  moving daily. Is making me feel better. 

Keeping my promise to spend at least 15 minutes a day with God, being grateful and receiving the word. Journaling, coloring and just being mindful of what I am reading, listening to and how I am speaking to myself is key. Keep setting boundaries to protect my inner-peace and nurturing my inner-circle. Has done wonders to keep me grounded and joyful.

I am gradually making better choices that reflect the life I see for myself. Is it going to be overnight absolutely not, but I plan to keep rebuilding  and rediscovering myself along the way. Celebrating with small victories of my choosing. 

Mindful Moment: The journey back to you isn’t going to be an overnight fix, it took you a while to lose touch with yourself, it's going to take a while to reconnect to yourself. By carving out some me-time, making it a part of your lifestyle, by plugging it into your daily routine can make a big difference. Make sure to talk positively to yourself daily through affirmations, being your own cheerleader helps raise your self-confidence. Taking time out to pray if you are a believer, or meditating to tune into your inner self creating a stronger connection within. 

Now, do we love our children, yes, do we love pouring into them and watching them grow into the beautiful brilliant human beings that we help them become and then releasing them into this world, absolutely. Am I thankful that I was able to take care of my mother and be there for her during her cancer treatments and be given the extra time with her to help her transition, absolutely. Am I thankful that I had someone who worked hard so that I was able to do all these things, Absolutely. I was honored to do so, but there were times I needed to pour into myself. I felt that that was being selfish, I felt guilty when I wanted to do things or buy things for myself, I never actually thought that it was healthy to be away from my family. Seriously. To actually hang out and enjoy life without taking my children with me to travel and see great things I wanted them to experience it with me, but I should have taken time out for myself. This is where we have to allow ourselves some compassion and time for us to grow away from our families and spread our wings a bit more. Take the time for ourselves and enjoy our moments making memories for us to cherish, but I guess that’s what the second half is for. Don’t beat yourself up, you’re still here. Still learning, still growing and still taking things one day at a time while giving ourselves a whole lotta grace.  

Thank you for joining me. I hope you found value in today’s conversation. I am your host, Shannon Martin. Be sure to join us on Wednesday, September 4th.  Love you, girl. 💚

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Disclaimer: 

I am not a licensed mental health professional. The information provided here is for general informational purposes only and should not be considered a substitute for professional mental health advice, diagnosis, or treatment. If you need help, please consult a qualified mental health professional.